Thanksgiving

Yes, I'm still writing out the birth story, and it's three parts so far, and maybe I'll finish it or maybe it will stay an unfinished tale like that triathlon I never wrote about (the short story on that: it was fun. And now that I've given birth, it's no longer the toughest physical thing I've done).

But it's hard to fit in any writing - or anything - with a baby around. Yes, even though he sleeps approximately 16 hours a day, according to the books. And yes, even though DH and I are both home full-time together during leave. And, yeah, even though right now the kid only needs about three things in rotation: milk, diaper change, sleep. You'd think a couple of people with graduate degrees could manage that AND getting the dishes washed in the same day, but you'd mostly be wrong. So creative pursuits are not getting the attention they may have otherwise.

I'm not complaining, though. Despite fatigue and occasional frustration (it's a weird frustration, too - I'm frustrated for... getting frustrated. Like I should be able to handle it when the kid has a full tummy, a dry diaper and a comfy place to sleep and is screaming his head off at me for no apparent reason. DH reminded me that it might be normal to find that frustrating).

Last Thanksgiving I honestly wasn't even thinking about having a kid. When I realize just how quickly we shifted from "not yet" to "why not?" with the baby question, it's a little stunning. This time last year I was not only not pregnant, I didn't think I'd be having a baby any time soon. Certainly not while still in my 20s, anyway.

But our minds changed, and then we got ridiculously, stupidly lucky and I was pregnant much sooner than I dared to hope I would be, and here it is, Thanksgiving, and we have a one-month-old son. And holy crap, people, he is cute. He's starting to smile sometimes, and use his voice - he likes to say "ow", very cheerfully, sometimes very loudly in the middle of the night when I'm burping him and DH is trying to sleep - and he reacts to different voices in the room, and he's starting to see things like the shapes of the mobile that hangs over his changing table. He's also growing like crazy, and we're pretty sure he'll weigh over 12 pounds at his one-month pediatrician appointment.

So, clearly, there's a lot to be thankful for here:

We have a beautiful, healthy son, and somehow we've picked up the basics of this parenting gig without freaking out so far. (The very short list of needs he has is helpful). Also, let me repeat: he's beautiful. The whole time I was pregnant I was prepared for a weird-looking kid, because we're a little weird looking, ourselves. And then he was born, and... wow. He's objectively cute. I spend a lot of time staring at him and feeling amazed.

I'm healing up and feeling more like a human (OK, most of me... my "girls" are still feeling a bit battered - the kid's massive weight gain is all due to mother's milk. This kiddo inherited the appetite enjoyed by both his parents. This is great for his sleep, but tough on my mammaries). I can do things like take long walks outside now, so I don't feel like an invalid like I did the first couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to being cleared to do things like jogging and lifting things that are bigger than the baby (though, hey, he's big enough that I'm less limited all the time!).

We're surrounded by supportive family, friends and neighbors who have been fantastic about stopping by with meals, calling and e-mailing to see if we need anything, and appropriately fawning over our beautiful baby.

With the extra leave due to my c-section and the timing of winter break at my work, my maternity leave is basically 11 weeks long, which is awesome.

We have health insurance. I seriously don't know what we would have done without it, because according to the statements I've gotten in the mail so far, our week in the hospital cost $35,000. Do what?

We live in a friendly neighborhood, full of folks who will strike up a conversation with a couple walking around with a baby. We're still not used to it, but I like the surprise each time.

And... well, I'm sure there are things I'm missing. But that's sleep deprivation for you. I hope all three of you readers out there have a beautiful holiday. We'll get to see a whole lot of both of our families, with a minimum of travel on our behalf, which is wonderful.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Birthening: the prologue

Over the last several years, I have read many, many birth stories, and I know that there is often an unexpected thing that happens during labor and delivery. Birth plans are just plans, and they need to be flexible. My whole approach to labor took that in to account: we took a childbirth class focused on unmedicated childbirth, but I was clear with DH that if things took a long time and I needed to conserve my energy, I was open to the idea of some pain relief that would help me rest.

We didn't even write out a birth plan, actually: we talked the whole enterprise over with the midwives, and everything that really mattered to me was just standard operating procedure. The most crucial aspects of any plan we would have written were the moments just after birth: I wanted immediate skin-to-skin contact with my baby, I wanted the team to wait until his cord had finished pulsing before it was cut, I wanted to try breastfeeding before they gave him any shots or weighed and measured him. The midwife said this is all standard - we would need to write out a special request NOT to have these things happen.

Well, none of those things happened. My son was born in a freezing operating room, via caesarian section, after a failed induction that took over two days. I didn't get to touch him for almost 4 hours except for a quick kiss on the cheek before they whisked him away to the nursery while I was sutured up and rolled back to a recovery room, without him. DH spent some time in the middle of the night pacing the hall between his post-operative wife, his baby in the special care nursery, and all his in-laws in the waiting room, waiting for news. The final process looked nothing like our general plans.

I am 100% OK with all of this.

I used to think that the people who had experiences like mine who said things like "at the end of the day, I have a healthy baby and that's all that matters" were just making themselves feel better about a situation over which they lost control. Maybe they were, but I seriously feel good about the way my son's birth panned out. He's huge and healthy and beautiful, and I never felt like I had lost what small amount of control I ever had over the process. It's just that the plan had to be even more flexible than we realized.

In part because I feel like I owe it to all the bloggers who shared their birth stories, and in part because now, only a week later, certain details are already starting to elude me, I'm planning to write out my son's birth story. It will likely take a little time between feedings (oh man, does this kid like to eat) and naps (his and mine), but I'd like to write it down. Because what happened was basically my nightmare scenario, but it wasn't terrifying at all. Through the whole process, which lasted over three days, I felt supported and listened to, and I felt like all the options were being laid out fairly to me and DH.

And, yes, at the end we have a healthy baby. I think I had to grow up a little and realize that seriously? That is the point of this whole thing.

Before I get in to the long story, however, here are the details: the kiddo (sorry interwebs, you don't get his real name) was born at 1:48am on Thursday, October 20. He was 21.25 inches long and weighed 8 pounds, 15 ounces. The midwife on call noted that this was after he pooped several times immediately after delivery, so she insisted that he was at least a nine-pound baby. And yes, his size was part of the reason we ended up in the operating room.

Oh, and we love him to bits and pieces. I'll have to write a separate post about how my feelings toward newborns have changed, because this particular newborn is just the tops.

Fall harvest

I don't regularly check in on CJane's blog, so I didn't realize she was pregnant again until she was, like, really pregnant. But this post she put up last week made me nod:

"Good bye September.
It's a curious thing to have a body on the same fertile cycle as Mother Earth.When I see the heavy apples on the tree in the backyard, hanging on for one more month of perfect ripeness, I feel my position. When I see my face in this photograph I also see the roundness, the readiness of a harvest of a different kind.
September, we're glowing."

And she is, round-faced and glowing in the picture.

As I've been waddling around in search of tasty pumpkin delicacies, I agree with her that it's curious to feel rather pumpkin-like, myself, in the autumn. Curious and kind of fun. I've always loved October, and now I think I will love it even more, because (unless I go really overdue) it's the month when I get to meet my son.

I've heard that it's best to have babies in the spring, so one can do all the gestating and nesting when it's cold outside, and that always made sense to me. But this year I'm enjoying this affinity with apple trees and squash plants, and I'm looking forward to what this autumn will bring us.

That other project

So I mentioned that I have another project that I picked up a little while ago, and it's been taking my time and energy. Then I did the predictable thing that happens and disappeared for a while.

So, the project is large enough that it's been producing its own urine for a few weeks, which makes it high time I posted about it.

Dear readers: I'm knocked up.

I've been writing about this offline, but I feel like this is the stuff blogs are made of, anyway: pregnancy is temporary and prone to changes each day. I don't want this to become a strictly baby-centric blog, but at this point I've followed enough blogs that I know what the pattern is:

A) Hip young female writer starts a blog, just writing about LIFE, man!

B) HYFW falls in love

C) HYFW gets engaged and starts planning a wedding. But "this isn't a wedding blog".

D) weddingweddingweddingweddingweddingwedding

E) HYFW gets marrrrrieeeed!

F) long pause

G) HYFW returns! With wedding pictures and recaps!

H) OK, seriously, back to life. HYFW begins posting more of the stuff I liked to read in the first place, with the occasional relationship post.

I) Long pause out of nowhere.

J) I've probably unsubscribed because the pause was months long.

K) I psychically check in to HYFW's blog on the day she announces that she's PREGERRRRS! Often complete with an ultrasound picture. But "this isn't a baby blog"

L) It's totally a baby blog. For good.

Now, to be fair, I have kept reading one or two blogs that have done this to their readers, because they did keep posting interesting content even after having a child. (And YES, of course I think child-related content can be interesting: A child is residing in my midsection as I type). And I know that bloggers have zero obligation to make stuff up for their readers. If I don't like reading about poop and boob juice, I can go elsewhere, and they know that and so do I.

So I'm not going to say "this isn't a baby blog". I am going to say that I'll be writing about what the hey is going on in this body that, up until a couple of months ago, I thought I knew pretty well. I've already been surprised by all this pregnancy stuff in a lot of ways, and writing is kind of how I work through things, so maybe instead of a baby blog we should all just think of this as my really cheap, overly public therapy. Or something.

Anyway, the answers to the usual questions:

Due date: October 21, 2011. DH and I love October, so this is really exciting. Birthday pictures in a pumpkin patch, baby!

So, how far along are you? I'm at 16 weeks, 4 days. 16 weeks in the normal world is 4 months, but in pregnancy world it's 3.5 months, sort of. For reference, full-term is 40 weeks - which sounds like 10 months to me. But whatever. So I'm almost-four-months along.

Gender: Yes, despite my entire family thinking I'm RUINING the surprise, we're planning to find out some time in June. I'll write more about this.

How are you feeling, Schmei? Physically: Better. I think I had it relatively easy, from what I hear, but the first trimester landed me on my ass. All-day nausea (only puked twice so far, fortunately), exhaustion, crankiness, and a sense of smell that could detect a stale cigarette from four miles away... which contributed to nausea and crankiness. The last few weeks, though, my stomach and I have gotten back together. We're making up for those weeks of estrangement by the stomach being constantly hungry and me constantly feeding it. Beyond the occasional insomnia, I'm feeling pretty good.

Emotionally: all over the place. I still can't wrap my head around this being real, most days. I honestly think it's going to hit me when I meet the kid this fall. (Or maybe when I get cankles this summer. That will be a treat.) But then I get worried about the kid, which tells me that the instinctive side of me is pretty aware of what's going on.

Weight gain: 6 lbs so far. My goal, per the midwife, is to gain 15-25 total. I'm not sure if my ravenous hunger agrees with that goal, however. The second three pounds happened a lot faster than the first three - I'm worried it's exponential or something.

Midwife? Are you doing a crazy home birth? No, though I think home birth makes sense for a lot of folks, the idea of all that cleanup is not appealing to me at all, while the idea of having someone take complete care of me for a day or so after I give birth is appealing. We found a really cool midwife group at a nice hospital. I'm sure I'll write more about the midwives. So far I'm very very happy with that decision.

Are you still running? Eh, no. I had signed up for a 5K on May 7 which I planned to run-walk with DH. We ended up sleeping through it, which was the right choice for a lot of reasons. I was so out of it during much of the first trimester that long walks were the best I could manage, but now I'm really in to walking: aiming for 5 miles a day. It's something I know I can do until the end, and afterward, and it really helps me when I'm feeling down, which these damn hormones do more often than I care to admit. I got a prenatal yoga DVD, too, with some intense stretches and squats, and I'm aiming to do that at least three days a week. But yes, running and triathlon-ing are hopefully going to return in 2012 some time.

Do you have a bump? I'm getting the start of one... it depends on the angle and what I'm wearing and whether I just ate. That probably means not really, but my midsection certainly has more density than it used to. Most of my pants are still wearable, especially with a Bella band. I'm enjoying my non-enormity while it lasts.

Where's the ultrasound picture? I don't have one yet - this will likely be its own post soon - and I'm not planning to post it here when I get one. I've found myself feeling very strongly about this kid's privacy, which is pretty silly when you think about an ultrasound picture, since they all basically look the same. I will probably follow in the footsteps of Molly and not post any identifying pictures of the kid, since this is a public blog, and I think I may just start that from, well, the start, and not post the ultrasound picture. I know that's dumb. Blame it on hormones.

Have you felt any kicks? I think I have - it's tough to distinguish, but last night we had root beer floats for dessert, and about an hour later I was relaxing in bed with a magazine when I'm fairly certain I felt two little thumps in my lower-front midsection. Maybe the baby likes root beer? I know I do, so the kid should get used to that.

How is DH doing? Well, he's DH, so he's awesome. He's very in to brainstorming names, going to all the midwife appointments, giving me the occasional belly rub, dragging me out for long, restorative walks, and when I'm pooped, making me relax and drink some water. Menfolk should take note that no matter how horrified I am about some change my body just made, he acts like it's attractive. This is crucial to domestic harmony with a pregnant partner. Honestly, he's excited about the whole prospect, which is darn cute. I'm lucky.

And the question I can't wait for someone to ask me in real life:

Were you trying? Well, we were trying for a puppy. Turns out that's a different process, so... baby! Also cute and will hopefully chew the furniture less.

I am still working on my thesis, which was further delayed by being basically out of commission through late February and much of March, so posting will be light for the next month or so. But not as light as it's been of late - I have a few posts up my sleeve.

I have found that I like answering people's (polite) questions about this process, so if you have one, shoot!

Small Neighbors

Recently observed on my walk to work:

Sometimes I get off the train a stop earlier and walk the mile or so to my office, which is a nice way to kick off a day of mostly sedentary work.

There is a line of parks along much of the southern portion of Michigan Avenue in downtown Chicago. In one of these parks, a slim middle-aged lady was bundled against the cold in a pricey looking coat - she looked like she probably lived in one of the nearby high rise condominium buildings. She had her left glove off. In the crook of her right arm was the handle of a red plastic bucket. She was reaching in to the bucket with her gloveless hand, pulling out what looked like chestnuts, and placing them at about shoulder-height in the trees lining the paved walkway. A small group of squirrels were pacing in the snow nearby, watching her do this.

As I kept walking, I passed a cluster of sparrows hopping around a pile of birdseed that had just been left on the stone banister.

Tonight's temperature is expected to plunge below zero, so I'm sure our smaller neighbors can use the extra calories.